Small

The word small has been coming up in conversations between God and I lately.  When I spent two weeks with my kids and their stomach flu instead of editing the webinar I wanted to get out there.  When I’ve been trying to launch a book out into the world and the numbers are small.  When I’m thinking about still finding my place in this new life.  God keeps whispering small to me.  And although I have not fully grasped the whole concept of what He’s trying to tell me yet, He was very clear about one thing.  Forgiving the small.

I was able to forgive my husband for his betrayal right away.  And even though the process of forgiveness and healing was hard and long, God’s grace poured on me and overflowed.  I’ve seen the other woman several times and this last time, I kind of wanted to just go chat with her and tell her I love her.  These are big things.  This is the extravagant grace of God in my life.

But I was so focused on the big that I allowed some small things to take root.  And God’s been telling me its time to weed those out.  There was a picture that shocked me in its power to hurt me.  I honestly didn’t think I was still that upset, but apparently I was.  

God, in His amazing timing, had a sermon all prepared for me.  Within hours of seeing that picture, I started studying to teach a Bible study the next day.  I’m currently using someone else’s book and the title of the chapter I had to teach was about forgiving others.  Ok, ok, I get it.  But that all happened in the same week that I had to go see those people in real life.  And I was obviously not welcomed.

It was hard.  So hard.  So hard that the tears have been on the verge for four days now and I can’t let them fall because I’m not sure when it would stop.  I don’t want to forgive.  I want to take this platform and declare the hurt.  To tell people who they are and what they’ve done.

And I’m surprised by my own sin.  

I shouldn’t be.  But I am.  Because I had a small root growing and didn’t know it until God made me face it head on.  So here I am, choosing forgiveness again.  For something smaller than I had to do a year ago, but struggling even so.

The story of the master and the servant and forgiving of debts came to me this week.  You know, when the servant was forgiven a great debt by his master but then went and demanded another servant pay him his small debt?  

The parable makes perfect sense.  We have been forgiven so much that anything we’re asked to forgive is small in comparison.  There’s that word again.  But I was thinking about the master.  

I’m sure that word got out.  He forgave that servant the debt, so why not others?  I’m sure someone else asked the next day.  And maybe the next.  A servant comes with a debt only one eighth of the size and asks to be forgiven.  It would make sense that he would, right?  

What if this master just stopped forgiving the debt?  What would we think of him?  It would be so strange for him to forgive this huge debt but not be able to forgive the small ones.  Logically it doesn’t make sense, and yet I find myself here so many times.  Having been able to do big things for God and struggling with the small.

Those little debts, those little roots?  They can grow.  They take their little space and grow deep.  The small matters so much more than I realize.  So today I’m choosing the small.  In so many ways, but also in this - forgiving those that have hurt me, forgiving those that shun me, forgiving the little every day offences that pile up and choke out relationships.  All the small things.