For the Hard Things

September.  Its a magical month.  Everyone is excited for fall, routine, sweaters, and oddly, pumpkin.  Its the real New Year.  Thoughts of comfort and schedules abound. Every September for the past ten years, I’ve been excited to start homeschooling.  I gather the books, make my plans, buy new supplies, and all the the things.  This year, well, this year I think the only word to describe my feelings would be, ticked off.

Yup.  I am not at all into it this year.  In fact, I spent the summer dreaming up different scenarios where I didn’t have to homeschool.  Only problem is they pretty much all consisted of Michael dying so we could move somewhere even remotely close to a Christian school, because that’s pretty much the only way I’m getting him to leave the camp.  Since that poses a whole new set of problems, I decided not to go that route.

So that brought me to this weekend.  I had bought the books, the supplies, done all the things, and as I lay in bed last night I could not stop thinking about how much I did not want to do this this year.  So much so that I ended up with a migraine, pain escalating like crazy in my left side, and a slight I can’t breathe feeling.

Every year that my kids are getting older, homeschooling takes up a little more of my time.  And now my son is starting high school.  Which is crazy.  And even more time consuming.  And I have things I want to do and learn and be.  And instead of being able to add more to my schedule, I’ve actually been taking things out.  Because, teenagers.  And I have a feeling its only going to get worse.  So this year I’m not teaching music for the first time since I was about 16.  And I’m not taking any music lessons.  Or classes.  The last thing I’ve held on to is my writing.  On the good days I tell myself that I’m narrowing my focus.  On the bad days I feel like I just have to keep giving up more of myself.

So this morning I got up, made breakfast, and then started homeschooling the children.  Why?  Well, I started writing this blog post to find out.  You see, I’m not going to give you a list of why I homeschool because this really isn’t about that.  This year I’ve been focusing my blog on using Biblical principles to help me manage my emotions.  And I obviously needed help today.  I’ve been chewing on the why all day and writing it somehow helps me believe it.

Why?

Because my life is not my own.

Its not even my kids.  Although that sounds noble and even Biblical.

My life is God’s.  And I am fully convinced that He’s asking me to do this hard thing.  The thing itself doesn’t matter so much.  Its the fact that I know what I’m supposed to do, even when I really really don’t want to.  All day long I prayed that God would fix my attitude.  I started thinking that was a terrible thing to pray, but then realized its actually an essential thing to pray.  And if spent the whole day praying only that, it would be worthwhile.

So tomorrow I will get up and homeschool again.  And again.  Until I’m done or convinced that I’m not supposed to anymore.  And I’m going to try and convince myself to do some more work tonight because apparently the awesome new English curriculum I decided to try for Arianna comes with 14 hours of parent instruction I was supposed to have watched first.  Insert all the eye rolls here.

Is there a hard thing you’re being asked to do?  Lets pray together for good attitudes and reminders that we serve God, not ourselves.