I haven’t blogged much lately and that’s because most of October and November were very difficult for me.
I’ve been talking more about my health this year and partly that’s because this year has been a good one. I felt like I’ve been making a lot of progress, physically and spiritually. I was in a good place and learning to take care of my body so I wouldn’t have such drastic health crashes. It was going so well. I even wrote out a text to a friend that went something like, “I’m really going to let myself believe that this could be my new normal.” I looked at that text for a while before I pressed send because I was a little nervous to say it out loud. But I went ahead and said it. Two weeks later I had the worst pain day of my entire illness. Possibly of my entire life. It definitely competed with childbirth. I had spent most of the day before in bed because I knew I was way overrun and I was trying to avoid a crash. So I was feeling quite good about how well I was taking care of myself the next day. I was getting ready for church on a Sunday morning when it hit me. I would find out the next day that I had two ribs that twisted, one over top of the other, but I just knew at that point that it was some of the worst pain ever. I yelled out for Michael. Through sobs I told him I didn’t think I could make it to church. He told me there was no way I was going anywhere. Even though I was actually yelling out in pain, I was very upset that I was missing church. Mostly because I had never allowed myself to stay home because of pain before. So this was a bigger deal than it sounds like. Michael had to get down on the ground in front of me and literally dress me. It took about a week before I could walk normally or take care of my life easily. And its taken me till this past week to feel good again.
The reason I didn’t blog during this was because this sent me into a struggle with depression again. I was a mix of sad and angry. I had a whole year of good that went away in one weekend. I knew everything I was supposed to think and feel but I just didn’t. So I started preaching at myself. In my speaking this year I talked a lot about being honest. How God responds to our honesty with love and care and not condemnation and judgement. So it was time to pull out some of my own advice again.
I told my husband that I was really struggling. I also confided in one friend. I got prayers, verses, encouragement, and song lists. It was helpful and I really need to talk things through to get over them so that was great. But what really got me through the past 6 weeks was talking to God. My prayers for a while started with, “Well God, this is what I’m mad about today.” I told Him that this was unfair. That I had seven years of lessons already so I was probably spiritual enough:) That I was angry that I serve Him so much and this is what I get in return. That I just wanted to run away to the cabin my brother is building in the Rocky Mountains and abandon the camp and the church. Every dark, wrong thought you can think of, I probably had it and I told Him it all. Hours of just pouring out my heart. Even though I knew I was in the wrong. Even though I knew that He was God and didn’t need my permission with what He let into my life.
I was in deep pain, physical and spiritual, and I just let Him take it all. And that’s exactly what He did. He took it all. No lightening came down to zap me. No judgement fell on my life. He listened to my pain, put His arms around me, and pulled me out of the pit once again. He whispered Bible verses into my memory. He brought songs, sweet comments, fun with my kids, kindness.
In a strange way, those hours of telling God that I was angry were some of the sweetest I’ve spent with Him. I’m usually a hider. I don’t like people to know what I’m really thinking or feeling. And I’ve done that with God even though I know I can’t really hide anything from Him. But when I tell God everything, a closeness comes that can’t come otherwise. Its freeing and beautiful. He takes all the ugliness I tell him and turns it into a beautiful relationship. What a wonderful, gracious, loving God.