I’ve had some choices to make lately.
You see, the thing is, I like to do a lot of things. I have a lot of dreams. Big dreams. Dreams that require a lot of work and time. For quite a while now I’ve known that I have too many. I’ve been drowning under the weight of all the things I’m constantly thinking about. So I started thinking, prioritizing, and praying. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to stop pursing my music education.
For as long as I can remember, being a musician has been a large part of my identity. I study, I practice, I take courses, and write exams. I took a few years off to have children. Once I knew I was done having children, I went right back into lessons. I completed another level of piano and then I got sick. I started to lose fine motor skills in my left hand and could no longer play at the level required of me. I was upset, but I just switched to voice instead. For as long as I can remember, I’ve dreamed of walking across the platform in Toronto and being able to use the letters ARCT. As of right now, I’m about three quarters done level 10. That means after I sing this last exam, I just have one level left. I’m so, so close.
But at the rate I’m going with homeschooling, ministry, camp, and life, it will take at least four more years. And I have other dreams. The outline for my next book is kicking around in my head. I want to have time at the cottage with my kids this summer without feeling guilty that I’m not working on something. I want to spend more time in ministry, more time with my friends, more time with my husband.
I can’t do it all.
And part of me is really ticked off about that. Just to be honest with you. I wonder things like, why did God make me like this if He was just going to make me sick and unable to accomplish it all? Or why can’t I be content to just raise my children? And most of all, why do I have to give up something I really want? I’m sure most people have figured out by the age of 34 that they can’t do it all, but apparently I’m a slow learner.
And this is where this blog post stayed for two weeks. Just staring at me. Because a part of me feels like if I finish it, then its official. And there’s also another decision I’ve been making in these two weeks and the two things combined feel like cutting off a part of me. I can’t listen to my wants because I want it all. I can’t listen to my heart because its broken. All I can do is listen to God. I know that these choices are what He wants and how He’s directing me.
For me, it all comes down to trust. Do I trust God even when I’m broken hearted? Do I trust His promises? His Word? That His plan is best for me? Do I go with my plan, which is a good plan? Or do I throw caution to the wind, jump off the cliff, give up those things dear to me, and trust that the surrender will be worth it?
My heart is crying out to stay in my safe zone and do what I want. But my head has decided to jump. And even now as the tears run down my face, I know that it will be worth it. I can hear God whispering, “Jump, I’ll catch you. My plans are so much better. I love you.”
I don’t know what all the future holds. I know that just because I gave up one dream, it doesn’t mean all the others will magically come true. But I trust anyways. I trust that God’s plans for me are better than my own. So jump I will.